Reminders

March 2nd marked a year since my last chemo treatment.  Over the past year I’ve looked back from time to time and thought, “at this time last year I was ______________.”  For example, I was able to help out with Aaron’s team’s snack bar this season.  And every once-in-awhile, when someone would mention a game or a certain team, I’d wonder why I didn’t remember what they were talking about.  Then I’d remember what I was doing instead.  Oh yeah, THAT.

It’s happened many times at work too, especially when I’m teaching a certain lesson that I didn’t teach last year.  That means I haven’t taught the lesson in two years.  Yeah, my brain scrambles to remember that far back.  What worked in the lesson?  What didn’t?  Yeah, I don’t know.  Thank God for my colleagues and the sticky notes I leave myself!

My students have reminded me as well.  One day while working on our Chromebooks, one of my students (seeing the picture of my profile) said, “Mrs. Kelly, is that what your hair used to look like?”  And I told her, yes, it was.  Then another student piped up, “Why did you cut it?” (I love second graders and their honesty.  Most of them don’t hold back, which is really refreshing after trying to read adult’s thoughts all day!)  Anyway, I replied, “I didn’t cut my hair, it fell out.”  And before I could explain why, the first student explained for me.  “You had cancer, didn’t you, Mrs. Kelly?”

“Yes.  I had cancer.”  I’m not sure if my kids could tell I was a bit choked up.  I’m pretty good at keeping the reminders away from my heart and head.  But that one time was unexpected, and got to me.  Funny how reminders can sneak up like that.

Take my flight to Los Angeles in January.  As I was walking through the TSA screener, the agent stopped me.  I looked at the screen and saw a big, yellow circle over my left breast.  The young lady asked, “Do you have something right here?”  She circled her chest with a flat palm.

Uhhhh….it caught me off guard for a moment.  “I don’t have a breast there. I have a prosthetic,” I was finally able to choke out.  Since she was a younger lady, I don’t think she had heard that one before.  She gently patted me down, which of course I didn’t feel.  And then I was on my merry way.

On the flight home though, I was prepared for that yellow circle to light up, which it did.  This time though, the agent was a woman about my age, so I’m thinking she’s more experienced.  Before she could ask, I walked closer to her and softly said, “My left breast is a prosthetic.”

She said, “I see.  I’m going to have to pat you down, like this…” and she demonstrated how she would pat both breasts.  “Would you like to go to a private room?”

Do I want to go to a private room?  Now, this is where I’m thinking that I really don’t want to go to a private room.  Doesn’t that make it look like something is really going on?  Isn’t it just much easier not to make a big deal out of things, and let the woman do her job?  And who is really watching me anyway?  No one.  They are all more concerned with their own property going through the scanner.

“Nope,” I told her. “Just do what you need to do.  In fact, tell me if you can tell a difference.”  She smiled at that.  She patted me down more thoroughly than the previous agent (which I chalk up to age and experience), and said, “You’re good.  And no, I can’t tell a difference.” (Well, yay for the $200 prosthetic!)  I got in one last comment:

“You know, I usually get dinner before I let someone touch me like that.”  And at that, she laughed.

I’m also caught off guard with some commercials.  There’s one where a man was talking about his cancer and how the American Cancer Society had helped him.  I felt pulled into his story because it felt like he was talking right to me.  And I found myself tearing up.  There’s another cancer commercial that has the same effect.  It shows a boy telling his teacher that his father has cancer, then flashes to his mom telling him, and the father’s doctor telling him.  I like this commercial better though because it ends with– They know what to do.  Fortunately, the commercials aren’t often, and I can always jump up off the couch and run into the other room.  Hey, there’s some exercise too. 😉

There are other times when the reminders are more pronounced.  Like the “Awareness Days” that people like to create.  October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and June is Relay for Life.  In my mind, that’s it.  I don’t need a cancer reminder any other time, and  I believe most people feel the same way (see previous ranting posts about Cancer Awareness days). 

So when the Vanden Boys’ Basketball team had a Cancer Awareness night in January, like they did last year, I started asking questions.  Who came up with that?  Does the team have to do that?  One night while setting up the snack bar, I asked Conni, the coach’s wife, about that night coming up.  And I explained that any cancer awareness events are a reminder of a horrible time in my life.  It’s difficult for me to listen to what cancer does to the body, and how many people go through it.  I just don’t want to relive those memories.  So Conni told me that she’d look into it, and let me know.  I figured if the event had to take place, I would make arrangements to keep my heart and head otherwise occupied.  Maybe a long trip to the bathroom…   However, the worry was for nothing.  Conni came back and said that the awareness night didn’t have to happen.  And that was the end of that.

I’ve found that I prefer to celebrate the now rather than think about the past. Last week while I was on vacation, I decided to take advantage of the extra time to make cookies for the wonderful oncology team at Northbay.  As I walked into the elevator to the third floor, I felt that wave of memories again.  Those many times that I rode that elevator for chemo treatments, and how fortunate I was to have someone accompany me every single time.  I felt pity for the patients sitting in the waiting room, and prayed that their  treatments would end soon, so they could get back to living life.  I approached the front desk with a smile and explained that I had finished treatment a year ago.  I told the ladies I was still so appreciative of how kind everyone was during that time, so I made cookies.  The assistant remembered me and commented that the year sure has gone by quickly.  She said she could still remember that day, and how we celebrated with cupcakes! And don’t forget the apple cider and tiara! 🙂  I was able to sneak into the infusion room where the first person I saw was Aimee.  Yay!  Aimee was the sweet nurse who took care of me during my last treatment and said I snored sweetly.  She greeted me with a hug, and I told her why I was there.  She asked to take a picture of me to show to the other nurses. And I obliged her with a big, goofy grin, holding the container of cookies.

Yet another reminder: Chemotherapy has thrown me into menopause.  Yep, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.  Now I know I was walking into menopause anyway, but I was hoping to slowly, and– dare I say?– gracefully enter this time of womanhood with the comfort of knowing it is my time.  I was looking forward to not seeing Aunt Flo each month and everything she brings (yes, I said it).  But hitting smack into menopause after your body has just been put through the ringer of chemo is NOT NICE! And it’s been hard to tell if the symptoms are residual from the chemo or related to menopause.  However, as time passed, it became clearer.  It also didn’t help when I Googled “menopause symptoms.”  Ummmmm….yes, yes, yes, uh huh, oh, no!  What an awful list!  If you’re a young woman, I’m sorry to burst your bubble; if you’re past menopause and didn’t actually kill someone, kudos to you!  And if you are a man, count your blessings.  Seriously.  I mean, really….WTH?  Menstrual cycles monthly for 30+ years, pregnancies, childbirth, and now THIS?!?  It’s at times like this that I wonder why God hates women.  I really have some things to talk to him about when I see him (assuming he lets me in!).

Relay for Life is coming up in June.  I receive emails occasionally to remind me of team meetings or fundraising events.  I’ve kind of put Relay in the back burner of my mind.  I remember last year that I wasn’t up for it, but changed my mind in February, as my treatment was coming to an end.  But this year, it’s March, and I still can’t get excited about Relay.  I think I’m just not looking forward to the memories that it will bring.  So after some prayer, I decided to give myself some space and excuse myself from Relay this year.  However, if I change my mind, I know I can always go to cheer on my soul sister. 🙂

For the most part, my life is so busy that it’s easy to forget about my cancer journey.  The reminders are there, but they make me appreciate how great life is now.  Of course the biggest reminder will always be with me.  I see it every morning I get dressed, and every evening as I put on my pajamas.  But I choose to see that reminder as the battle scar I received against the great and powerful Cancer.  And that’s okay with me.

Besides, it allows me to have fun with the TSA agents. 🙂

“We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

—Romans 5:3–4

Ode to Hair

Oh thee, Golden Locks, that have sprouted upon my head.  You, glorious, long, golden locks…

Okay, I know the hair grew back grey, but I promise that’s not my natural color.  That’s why I pay the amazing Christina to paint the locks back to the color they should be. 🙂

Let me just tell you how amazing it is to have hair again.  It’s not to its BC length, but it’s long enough that it looks like a pretty-normal haircut.  Christina worked her magic on my last visit, trimming the sides, and of course, coloring it back to my natural color.  The top of my hair has grown out quite a bit, but it still curls, and the very tips are frizzy.  When I mentioned how fried the ends are, Christina said it was a fine, baby-chick-type of hair.  So she added a magical product to the tips, blew my hair dry, and straightened the top.  I think it added two inches to the length.  😉  I almost have bangs!  And although the ends are fried, I refuse to cut the top.  But I’m sure I will once my hair gets to a certain length.

My hair is at the stage now where I really have something to wash.  My hands are immersed in hair as I massage shampoo through it each morning.  Another indicator of its length is the drip factor.  My hair now holds enough water that it drips after a shower!  Amazing!  And although Christina made my hair look cute, I prefer to towel dry, comb it, and run some gel through it.  The wet look holds on for a couple of hours, then my golden locks shine through.  It’s amazing how a little bit of hair can change your entire outlook.  Now I understand why bald men are so self-conscious.

Having hair has its advantages.  Like when you have Hurricane Hair Day at school.  Fortunately for me, my “hurricane hair” look is the same as my “morning bedhead” look, so I was set.  Unfortunately for me, Hurricane Hair Day was also the same day as a staff meeting and visit from the school superintendent.  Now, I could have been inconspicuous, sat in the back, and kept my mouth shut, but of course, when the super got to, “Do you have any questions?”, I had questions… So I raised my hand.  When she called on me, I had to point out that it was Hurricane Hair Day.  Most of my colleagues didn’t participate in this crazy spirit day, so I also announced that I was the winner of the spirit award.  She laughed, and told us that she had a similar experience when she visited another elementary school and it was pajama day.  Yes, you won’t see much of the “professional business attire” in an elementary school.

Hurricane Hair Day with one of my students. 😀

One Person’s Tragedy is Another’s Blessing

Last month Northern California experienced wildfires that I’ve never seen before, especially so close to home.  As fires raged on and we received updates, our classes continued with business as usual.  Except for the smoke.  It started on Monday, when the sky was pretty smoky.  By Wednesday morning the smoke was so bad that the district decided to close down schools for the next two days.

This is where my blessing came in.  I was feeling overwhelmed with school and my achy, tired body, so a couple extra days off were just what this tired teacher needed.  I was almost beside myself with excitement as to how to spend the days getting caught up on life.  Hitting the gym was on the top of my list, so I figured I’d stop by to see Dr. Vikstrom and Natasha while I was there (their office shares the same building as my gym).  Natasha was in and available to see me when I stopped by, and I caught her up on how I was doing.

“Look at my hair!” I exclaimed.  I am a kid again, showing off some marvelous accomplishment.

Dr. Vikstrom was with a patient, so Natasha asked me to return after my workout.  When I did, Dr. V still wasn’t available.  So I wrote him a quick note, and headed down the elevator.  I no sooner walked out the door when Dr. Vikstrom came running out the main entrance, and called my name.

As soon as I hugged him, he seemed to be checking me over.

“The swelling has gone down in your arm,” he commented, all smiles.  Dr. V was referring to my visit to the hospital back in June.

“Yes,” I told him, “the swelling went down pretty quickly.”  Then he asked how I was feeling.  I told him that I still get achy and tired, and I don’t feel like my old self much of the time.  He then proceeded to tell me about a recent study about the power of ginseng.  Dr. Vikstrom said there was research that showed how ginseng had helped chemo patients, and he wrote down the website information for me.

Now keep in mind that Dr. Vikstrom has not been my oncologist since last spring, and yet, he still cares for me as if I were. Except now, instead of seeing him in the office, we meet outside in front of the office. 😀

So now I’m taking two ginseng tablets twice a day, plus the glucosamine tablets, and a special, liquid, very expensive, multivitamin.  And I’m waiting to get my Wonder Woman energy back.  Any. Day. Now.

Gobble, Gobble!

It’s Thanksgiving Day!  I’m fortunate enough to be spending the week in El Paso with Justin & Joanne in their new home with the rest of the Kelly crew.  I can remember last Thanksgiving clearly, and how I felt.  Bald, tired, and blah.  What a difference a year makes.  Last night, while waiting for the kids’ flight to come in, I made two pies and mopped the kitchen floor.  And as I was mopping, I was smiling at how much energy I had compared to just a few months ago.  Of course, extra sleep and that cup of coffee probably had something to do with it too.  😉

Being here with my kids makes my mama heart happy.  Watching how Justin cares for his wife, their house, and their dogs makes me awfully proud.  It also makes me see how much like his father he is! He’s grown into a pretty nice guy. 🙂

It’s the little things in life that bring me so much joy.  Like a trip to Walmart with Joanne, walking along the aisles, filling our carts with goodies that will become the Thanksgiving feast.  We would stop to compare carts, and I would ask her a million questions.  You should have seen the shocked look on my face at the cost of the avocados here!  Twenty cents each!  Quite shocking for this Californian. Then I found a Grinch suit for $20, and I was pretty giddy about that for awhile.  Checking out, I commented to the cashier how generous he was with the bags that are a golden treasure in California.  He said, “Really?  Do you want some more?  We just throw them away here.”  And although I said no, he stuffed my cart full of plastic bags. My, those Texans are awfully generous!

Tomorrow we return to Cow Town, where avocados cost two dollars each, and bags are a dime.  I’m rested, relaxed (although I may not be after tomorrow’s flight), and ready to get back to work.  And blessed.  So very blessed.

Gotta love those golden locks! 😀

Hey, where’ve you been?

Justin texted me the other day and asked what’s up with my blog.

Life, that’s what.  School has resumed, and so has the busy-ness that is my life.  We’re six weeks into school now, and I think I’m just getting into the flow.  My class is super sweet and fun, and sometimes I can hardly believe I get paid to have so much fun with kids.  Other days… well, there have been a few of those too. 😉

The body aches continued when the school year started.  I’ve been taking glucosamine regularly now, and I have to say it really helps.  But the weird, crampy feelings up and down my legs continued.  So when I told Dr. Rasila, she scheduled a scan.

My first appointment was scheduled for 11:00 am.  I was told it was to inject the dye.  Then I was to return at 2:00 pm for the scan.

The problem was that the appointments were during the school day.  And I was shooting for perfect attendance, remember?  So, yeah….I tried to figure out how to fanangle the day so that I wouldn’t miss much time, but in the end it was just too much.  I ended up working until recess, and then leaving my students in the very capable hands of Mrs. McCoy.  The joy there was that Mrs. McCoy subbed for me for six weeks when I was out last year.  And some of our former students stopped by to say hello.  They were so happy to see her, and she was treated to many hugs.

I asked Kimi if she would accompany me to these appointments, and she happily agreed.  I mean, she’s come this far, right?  My appointments just wouldn’t be the same without her.  LOL.

When we arrived for the first appointment, there was a bit of confusion.  For some reason I had it in my mind that I was having a muscle mass and bone scan.  But no.  The receptionist told me I was having a nuclear bone scan.

“What’s the difference between that and a regular bone scan?” I asked.

She looked at the receptionist behind her and asked her to respond.  She proceeded to tell me in technical medical terms what the difference was.

“Ummmmm…..what are they looking for?” I asked.

“The tech can talk to you about that,” she responded.  I wonder if I rolled my eyes aloud.  Really?  Hon, I’ve already been through the cancer thing.  So just be a big girl, and say it.  Cancer.  They’re looking for cancer.

When the tech, Joyce, called me back, she too proceeded to talk me through using medical jargon.

“So, it’s looking for cancer?” I asked.

“Yes,” she responded.  Joyce asked me a bunch of questions about the kind of treatment I had, and when I completed my treatment.  Then she injected the dye, and told me to come back at 2:00 pm.

So Kimi and I had a few hours to kill.  We had fun at the mall, wandering around in the middle of a school day!  Crazy!  And I got to eat lunch, I mean, really eat lunch, without feeling rushed or that I should be correcting papers or something.

We returned to the radiology office at 2:00.  Joyce called me back pretty quickly and said that Kimi could keep me company.  I laid on a table, and the tech brought the camera-like thing down close to my body.  Joyce told me to lie perfectly still for 25 minutes.  Sure!  No problem.  Don’t mind me if I start to snore….

Three minutes in, my ear started to itch.  How dumb!  My ear never itches.  Since I wasn’t allowed to move, I couldn’t scratch it.  I asked Kimi if she would, but she had to wait until the camera was past my head.  So then I started talking to myself.  My ear does NOT itch.  My ear does NOT itch.  Ugh.  Finally, Kimi could scratch my ear.  Relief!

I recommend bringing your best friend if you’re ever stuck lying perfectly still for 25 minutes.  There’s something about bringing your best friend that makes the time go by very quickly.

When the scanner reached my toes, I noticed two red shapes.  They looked almost wing-shaped, so I asked Joyce if they were my angel wings.  She told me that they were my legs.  Hmmmmm….

“What color is cancer?” I asked her.

“I’ll be right back.  I need to speak with your doctor,” and she left the room.

Ugh!  What?!?  Why couldn’t she just say purple, green, or blue?  Jeez…

Joyce returned a few minutes later and asked which hip had been bothering me more.  Well, that’s hard to say.  What day is it?  They both hurt, but I guess the right hurt a little more lately.  Then she proceeded to tell me that there was “something going on” with the right hip, and they needed an x-ray of it.

Huh.  Okay, well that must be good news then.  X-rays don’t show cancer.  The tech said she was going to send me to the next room to have the x-ray done.  I was looking at the clock.

“Will I be done by 3:30?  Because I have bingo at 4,” I explained.

Ah, bingo.  Yes, another story in itself.  I’ll get to that one next.

The x-ray took just a few minutes, and I was done by three.  Waiting for results is usually difficult.  Joyce told me that I’d probably have results the next day.  I told her it wasn’t a big deal because I was so busy that I didn’t have time to think about results.  But I didn’t even have to worry about that because the results were in before I got home.

The great news is that the scan showed no cancer! Yaaaaay!  The slightly bad news is that I have arthritis in my hip.  Huh.  Okay, just add that to the list.  Arthritis in my back, toes, and hips.  Whatever.  The only bad news to me is that I still don’t know what’s causing the random aches and pains in my legs.  But I have to say they’ve been less achy over the last couple of weeks, so that’s something.  Maybe Teri (my oncology nurse) was right in saying it takes up to a year for my body to get back to normal.  Sigh.  Okay, I’m trying to be patient.

So yes, life is super busy.  So busy that I started this entry last Saturday, and now an entire week has gone by.

What else is new?  Bingo.  Well, it’s not new, but it’s a whole new world to me.  Last year I wanted to work bingo to help Aaron’s basketball team.  But of course my body had a different plan.  So this year bingo was at the top of my to-do list.

Now for all you bingo virgins (and I was one of you!) let me tell you what bingo is like.  It’s not what I imagined: sweet, little old ladies who pass their golden years with a little old-fashioned fun.  No.  First of all, there are people of all ages.  The bingo hall is a huge room with long tables and chairs.  The caller sits on a raised stage in the front, the cashiers are on other side, and sellers walk around selling flash cards.

FLASH!

That’s what these lovely people scream to me.  Okay, maybe not scream, but in their haste to get that one card that’s going to make them richer, they have an urgency to their voice.

Flash cards are little pull tab cards that reveal pictures underneath.  The pictures tell if you’re a winner or not.  There are different kinds that do different things, but I never worried myself about knowing the technicalities.  If someone asked a question, I’d say I didn’t know, and move on.  Do you want a card or not?  I’ve got other customers waiting.

As the customers signal for me, I quickly scamper from person to person.  Some would buy just a couple of these one-dollar cards, but most people would put down twenty dollars or more at a time.  ALL.  NIGHT.  LONG.

On the four occasions that I’ve worked bingo, I sold about $1500 in flash in a three hour period.  That’s a lot of running around, and my body sure did pay for it the next day.  But more than that, I found it hurt my soul to work bingo.  So I’m not sure that I’ll go back.

More important than my sad soul though, is that I’ve started tutoring one of our Alamo students after school.  He was diagnosed with cancer last April, and is now receiving instruction from home.  I figured, who better to help him through this rough time than someone who just went through it?  So I meet with him four hours a week to help him with his school work.  And it’s much better for my soul too 🙂

In other news, I went to the dentist this week.  I’m pretty good about keeping my twice-yearly check-ups and cleanings, although I did postpone one when I was going through chemo.  This cleaning felt pretty rough, and the dentist told me that I have two cavities.  What?  I haven’t had a cavity in eons!  I asked the hygienist if I could blame the chemo.  She said absolutely.  Just to be sure though, I asked the receptionist too (as she was making my appointment for these fillings).  She agreed with the hygienist, and added, “It is a poison, you know.”  So yeah, I’m totally blaming the chemo.  And I might be moving flossing to the top of my to-do list now.

So that’s it.  Life is busy and pretty hunky dorey.  I look back on the past year and am so grateful that I’m through that rough time.  Every once-in-awhile, a commercial will come on for a cancer treatment, or that neulasta shot, and I’ll tear up a bit.  But then I’m able to shake it off, and remember how blessed I am.  Life is good.  Work is amazing.  And my family is the best.

There you go, Justin 🙂

 

 

 

The Summer of Dawn

I’m a big Seinfeld fan.  In one episode, George receives a severance package and decides he’s going to spend it having what he declares “The Summer of George.”  He has big plans to have fun.  George plans to read a book– from beginning to end (in that order), and learn to play frolf (frisbee golf),  among other things.  I can relate.  I declared this the Summer of Dawn!

With chemo behind me, and my hair finally starting to grow back, I could put the whole cancer thing behind me and focus on being “normal” again.

Like George, I seem to have two dueling forces: my brain and my body.  My brain had grand ideas of exercising twice each day– morning and night, accompanied by eating properly, while of course, getting all of my summer projects done.  Yep, my brain is a Marine.  My body however, is a combination of a 80-year-old woman and a teenager on summer break.  My body has had strange aches and pains lately, which has made it become lazy and whiny.

In this particular Seinfeld episode, George ultimately suffers a mishap and ends up in the hospital.  I could relate there as well.  The little bacterial infection that landed me in the hospital put a small squash to the beginning of my summer.  However, unlike George, I figured that once I returned from El Paso, I would be good. Ehhhh, not so much.

My mind is ready to go.  Ready to get back in shape with tower walks and trips to the gym.  But my body.  Oh, the body just isn’t cooperating.

It started off great.  Kimi and I would head to the gym and walk a couple of miles around the track.  We took a trip or two to the tower, and I noticed how sore my body was.  Back to the gym to hit the treadmill.  Better, but I still felt those aches creep in.  Shooting pains would attack my arms and legs randomly, and then disappear.  I told myself it was just my body resisting the new workout routine, and continued to exercise.

On Tuesday, Janet and I hiked to the tower.  It was great— the best I had felt since ending chemo.  But my legs didn’t think it was so great.  I couldn’t sleep that night, tossing and turning with joint pain.  I took an Aleve, but the pain continued.  The pain felt just like it did after a chemo infusion– which wasn’t good.   I decided to email Dr. Rasila at 1:00 am.  Then I sat on the couch with a heating pad on my hip.  I drifted off around 3, and felt miserable when I woke up in the morning.  Dr. Rasila responded to my message by the time I woke up.  Her response asked a series of questions, then said she’d have Teri, her nurse, call me.

By the time Teri called in the afternoon, I was feeling better.  My hip joint was sore, but the pain was bearable.  As I was describing the pain, I mentioned that I thought it could be from walking to the tower.  I think I heard Teri sigh.

“When did you finish chemo?” she asked.

“March 2nd,” I told her.  Then she reminded me that it takes six to twelve months for the body to return to its “baseline” after chemo.  She said that hormones can also play a role in the aches I’m experiencing. I think I rolled my eyes and sighed.  Seriously?  So chemo wasn’t enough, now I have to deal with menopausal symptoms?  Great!  I’m seriously coming back as a man in my next life.

Dr. Rasila put a kibosh on the tower walks for awhile.  She also recommended I take glucosamine to help with my joints.  And Teri would call me next week to see how I was feeling.

On top of that, my eczema has had a field day.  My pinky finger became so inflamed that I visited my doctor for that as well.  She prescribed an antibiotic for it.  Before she sent me on my way though, I did mention to her that I’ve been achy.  She made note of it, and suggested I talk to my oncologist if it got worse.  Which it did.

Despite the aches and pains, I have had the Summer of Dawn.

I turned 51 on July 16th.  I decided to celebrate this momentous occasion by doing something new and wild– indoor skydiving!  Up until recently, I didn’t know such a place existed.  It’s a great place for those of us who would like to experience flying without jumping out of an airplane.  I mean, who wants to do that?  Cra-zy!  But indoors, with someone at the controls, sounds like my cup of tea!

Paul, Aaron, and I arrived at iFly in the afternoon, and waited until our instructor, Joel, called us back.  He explained to a group of us how the whole thing worked, what we needed to know, and then helped us suit up.  We watched many people go before us.  Some seemed to get the hang of it pretty quickly, while others looked like they were really struggling.  I decided I didn’t care how I looked, or how quickly I caught on.  I was there to experience something new, and I was going to enjoy every minute of it.  My main concern was remembering all of the different signals that Joel explained to us.  Fortunately, there were reminders everywhere, and of course, watching others go before me kind of helped to know what worked and what didn’t.

When it was my turn, I tried to walk right into the wind tube.  That didn’t work.  Joel had to mime for me how to “fall” in.  So that’s what I did.  After Joel gave me a couple of hand gestures (appropriate ones, I promise!), he stepped back and let me fly solo.

Man, what a feeling!  Imagine air pushing you up until you’re three feet off the ground.  The air is forceful, so even the slightest movement can make a difference.  We were allowed a minute at a time in the tunnel, and then Joel helped us out.

For my second trip in the tube, I got the entrance down pat.  Joel helped me in, and helped me get situated.  Then I was flying again!  After a bit, he grabbed me by handles on my suit, and lifted me higher through the tube.  We circled around and around, and around– before he tried to help me out.  I think I was a bit dizzy though, as I struggled to exit the tube.  But finally I did, and finished with a big smile on my face.

Aaron and I were totally stoked by the experience.  It was just wild!  Aaron now wants to do the real thing– skydive from an airplane.  As for me, I think I’ll stick with the tube. 🙂

Paul seemed nervous about the whole thing, until he was suited up.  Then he felt better, and seemed to have fun.  I’m not sure that it will be something he’ll want to do again though. 😉

A few days later, Aaron, his friend, Nate, and Nate’s sisters– Erica and Keiran– accompanied me to Sunsplash water park.  Again, I was ready to have a day full of worry-free fun.

There are just some things to consider when I go swimming.  To foob or not to foob, that is the question.  I can wear my foam boob in the water, but there’s a chance that it could slip out.  And if pushing is involved, like say, at a water park?  Well, there’s a very strong chance that some poor child will get a view of something that could scar him for life!  Better to go foob-less, I thought.  So I bought a water top that had a bit more coverage than my regular suit top, and also a built in bra.

And the day was fantastic.  It helped that I was surrounded by four awesome, fun, and silly teenagers.  I didn’t want them to feel they were stuck riding down the slides with me, but they were sweet enough to include me most of the day.  And when we wanted to do different things, I just went off on my own.  And that was nice too.  But mostly, when I decided to stop worrying about whether or not people could tell I only had one breast, it made the day wonderful.  I tried almost every water slide there– with the exception of the ones where there’s a straight drop down– uh, no, thank you!  There was one I didn’t like, so I didn’t do it again, but I was happy I tried it.  Other slides were so fun, that I went on them several times.

There’s a lot of walking and climbing stairs at a water park.  So the following day, when my body was pretty irritated with me, I had to listen to it and just take it easy.

So I’m learning to listen to my body, even if my mind gets frustrated.  It has been a great summer, even if I haven’t lost the 50 pounds I want to lose.  Hey, big dreams, ya know!

Let me give a big shout out to MY HAIR!  Yes, it’s coming back curly, which is kind of funky, but hey, it’s HAIR!  I can actually run my fingers through it, which I do quite often.  Hee hee…I still look like a sheep, but with a little gel and styling, it looks decent enough.  I’ve held off my hair appointment until next week to give Christina a little more to play with.  I’m sure she’ll work her magic, and I’ll be looking cute in no time. 😉

There are two weeks left before I go back to work, and I have more Summer of Dawn days planned.  Tomorrow is our twice-annual “Kimi-and-Dawn-shopping-day.”  Just like it sounds, it’s a day that I get to hang out with Kimi, dragging her from store to store, while she helps me pick out new clothes (and other things) for the new school year.  It’s a fun day spent being silly.  Then later in the week, the fam is going to Universal Studios before heading on to Phoenix to watch Michelle (and the fabulous S-Rank) perform in Hip Hop International.  One last hoorah before the school year resumes.

I can remember last year at this time, waiting for test results to come in.  But now, I’ve already had my yearly mammogram, and it was completely normal.  Of course it helps that I only have one breast, and I just finished chemotherapy.  By the way, here’s a plus: mammograms only take half the time now that I’m down a breast.  Hee hee…

So now I’m looking forward to the school year to start– healthy, happy, cancer-free, and worry free.  Hey, I think I’m going to shoot for perfect attendance this year! 🙂

Look at that hair growing in! 😀

I’m a girl!

I woke up with bed head this morning, and startled myself when I looked in the mirror.  I guess the bed head is good– it means there’s more hair on top of my head.  But it’s not unusual that I startle myself.  For some reason, my brain doesn’t recognize the ugly, old man in the mirror, and it takes it a minute to remember that’s me.  I feel like a girl, except when I see myself.  Then I don’t see the feminine creature that I am.

Most people have been very kind when I explain that I think I look like a boy.  I’ve heard what a pretty face I have, and how cute my hair looks.  Apparently, I can wear short hair well.  I really just think they’re being kind.  My hair is curly on top– I look like a sheep.  I put gel in it, but it still curls in all directions.  I’m not excited about it.  But then I remind myself that at least it’s hair!  I really didn’t rock the bald look. 😉

Julie, a trainer at my gym, seemed to get it.  She asked what I wanted to accomplish at the gym.  I told her I want to look like a girl.  I pointed to a man on the treadmill and said, “I feel I look like him.”  She said, “Oh, no, you don’t.  But I understand that’s how you feel.”

In an attempt to look more feminine, I had my ears double pierced last week.  I had a second thought as I was signing the form that listed all the risks (after that bacterial infection, I’m a bit more cautious).  But I’ve cleaned my ears religiously, and they’re healing nicely.  And when I look in the mirror, I try to concentrate on the small diamonds in my ears.  I’m a girl.  Nevermind that my daughter’s male friend also has his ears pierced like mine.  I’m a girl.

I also had a pedicure last week.  A little thing I know, except I hadn’t had one since last October.  My toenails became pretty deformed from the chemo (and a previous surgery), so the pedicure made my alien feet look feminine again.  I had forgotten how much I enjoy pedicures.  The warm water combined with having my feet scrubbed was just what this girl needed.  Pretty purple painted toes because I’m. A. Girl.

I’ve started to feel like myself again.  My strength and stamina are coming back.  I rarely nap now, and have the energy to get more done during the day.  This week, I’ve hit the gym and hiked to the tower twice.  I do notice that I have to pace myself though.  The tower hikes made my calves ache pretty good yesterday.

Paul says I’m looking like my old self too.  The medications are leaving my body, which means I’m not as swollen-looking.  He asked how much weight I’ve lost.  I’m really not sure.  The home scale says one thing, and the doctor’s office says another.  So I’m trying to concentrate on eating right and exercising regularly, and not worrying about the numbers…yet.

I saw Dr. Rasila (my new oncologist) last week too.  She went over the test results from my hospital stay, and told me that all of the scans performed showed no clots and no cancer.  YAY!!!  Everything looks great from her standpoint, so I’ll see her again in three months.  And my routine mammogram is scheduled for July 24th.

I’m still searching for the perfect bra.  I’ve been working with a place that Dr. Vikstrom recommended, but they don’t seem to have any better luck than I am on my own.  Last night, while searching the internet, and wondering which bras I’ve already tried (I really should write this down), I commented to Paul how expensive mastectomy bras are.  One was $60.  He said, “Well, that doesn’t seem right.  They should be half-priced.”  Yep, these are the jokes, people.  Just go with it…

Bras, pretty toes, earrings, hair, getting my body back….oh, and make-up!  But not too much.  I don’t want to look like a drag queen!  All of these are important to remind my brain that I am a girl.  No matter what that old man in the mirror says. 😀

Christine and I singing as we do our laps. 🙂

Just a word about Relay for Life.  Despite our issues, we were still able to enjoy our time.  My idea of cupcakes and balloons did happen– although the balloons wanted to hide under our pop-up, and the cupcakes melted in the heat.  There was no one from our team but Christine and I as we walked the first lap in the morning.  But plenty of people came throughout the day to join us– including people who have never walked with us before.  We didn’t stay the night as we had planned and have done in past years.  But one thing I’ve learned this year is to just go with it.  Don’t worry that the result isn’t what was planned.  Stay in the moment, enjoy the surroundings and the people who have come to be with you.  And that’s exactly what we did. 🙂

 

(Not so) Smooth Sailing

The last couple of weeks of school is always crazy.  There’s so much to do in such a short period of time.  I was looking forward to the madness though, since it meant I would be working, and not sitting at home sick.

On Wednesday, May 31st, I had a hair appointment.  It was my first appointment since I lost my hair last October.  There wasn’t much to work with, but enough that Christina could do something fun.  I had sent a couple of pictures to Christina for some ideas of what I wanted.  But really, I didn’t know if she could do anything with the little bit I had.  Mostly I wanted her to wash that gray right out of my hair, and do something fun with it.  It was so nice just to sit in the chair, and have some girly time.  The result didn’t make me say, “Wow!  I can’t wait to show off my new style!”  It was more like, “Okay, I can live with this…for now.”  But that’s okay.  I know my hair is temporary, and growing every day.

On Thursday morning, I woke up with the song, “Not for a Moment,” running through my head.  I wasn’t surprised, as I had just heard Marla sing the song at church on Sunday.  But I was surprised that the song kept popping up in my head throughout the day, and I found myself humming it.

My students were surprised with my new ‘do.  Lots of stares, smiles, questions, and compliments.  “Look at Mrs. Kelly’s hair!”  I love second grade reactions– they’re just so real.

On Friday, June 2nd, we took a field trip to a science museum in town called Imagine That.  It was lots of fun for my students, and their parents.  The museum is kid-friendly, and hands-on, perfect for my second graders.  We came back to school to watch the staff versus student kickball game.  It was a great day. 🙂

“Not for a Moment” was still popping up in my head.  So I downloaded it on my phone, and had a listen.

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me

On Saturday morning, I woke up feeling a little off.  I’m used to this feeling though since chemo ended.  Some mornings I wake up a bit achy, but it goes away after I’m up for a bit.  So I grabbed some coffee, and sat down at my desk to work on report cards.  I was determined not to do anything else until those report cards were done.  After about an hour, I felt worse.  The aches were becoming more pronounced, especially in my shoulder and hip joints.  I took an Aleve, and laid down.  I figured I just needed to rest after the busy week I had.  I started to text Paul from bed…

Could you bring me some Advil?

Could you bring me an Emergen-c?

I think I need to go to the doctor.

By then, the pain was so bad, I could hardly stand.  I told Paul that I wasn’t sure I could make it to the car.  I was still in my pajamas, wearing slippers, and no make-up.  I didn’t care.  The car ride to the hospital felt long.  Paul parked, grabbed a wheelchair, and wheeled me into the E.R.  Fortunately, the E.R. was empty, and they took me right back.  After answering the usual questions, the nurse took my temperature.  It was 101.  Shortly after, Paul noticed a rash covering my left arm.  When he showed the doctor, the doctor said, “Well, I guess we know the source of the infection.”

They called it cellulitis.  I had never heard of it before, but after googling it, and seeing “skin infection,” well yeah, that makes sense.  My skin hates me.  Eczema is my middle name.  Infections just seem a natural follow-up.

The doctor said he was going to admit me.  He said they were running a bunch of tests to determine if the infection had gone to my bloodstream, and they would start administering antibiotics to me in the meantime.  Now this is a problem.  I am allergic to a variety of antibiotics, so I have to be careful there.  The doctor looked at my chart and the list of antibiotics that I’ve tried in the past.  He went off to consult with another doctor, and left me thinking.

It’s Saturday.  I have to finish those report cards.  Will they let me out by Monday?  If not, I’m going to need a sub.  For the last week of school.  Bummer.

Notice I’m not thinking about the possible bacterial infection in the bloodstream.  No, I don’t have time for that.  I HAVE REPORT CARDS TO DO!  It’s my last week of school.  Oh, and there’s this WEDDING next weekend that’s kind of important!  I. DO. NOT. HAVE. TIME. FOR. THIS.

Now call me crazy, but this actually worked to my advantage.  I had no time to worry about my condition or the seriousness of it.  I was distracted by the fact that I had other things on my mind.

I think it was soon after that the doctor came back to tell me that the infection was in my bloodstream, and I would be there a few days.  Sigh…. okay…. I was struggling with being out AGAIN, after missing six months with my class.  But what could I do?

So I texted my friend, Rachel.  She was the last sub in my room before I returned, and she’s working on her teaching credential.  She’s also become a friend since her son was in my class a few years back.  I asked Rachel if she could cover my class on Monday.  She rearranged some thing for me (Field Day at school!), and agreed to sub for me.  That was a huge relief.  I trust Rachel to be firm but fair with my students, and to do an outstanding job.  And although I was sad that I wouldn’t be there,  I knew the show would go on, and my kids would be in great hands.

On Sunday, the doctor said my blood pressure was too low, so they were moving me to ICU.  I’m sure I gave him a blank look.  The doctors and nurses were very reassuring that they were simply moving me as a precaution.  If my blood pressure didn’t come back up, they would have to give me a pressor to bring my pressure back up.  I heard the words “organ failure.”

Of course I’m wondering how this happened.  How did I catch this bacterial infection in the first place, and how can I prevent it from happening again?  By this time, I had a team of doctors who were advising on my case.  One of them was Dr. Warner, who’s an infectious disease specialist.  He came in and asked a bunch of questions.  Do I remember having a cut on my arm?  Do I rough house with my dogs?   No, and no….  How about shaving?  Do I use disposable razors?  Do I use them more than once?  Well, sure….

We’re not sure how this happened.  Best guess:  I had a cut somewhere on my left arm.  Because I don’t have full feeling in that arm, I wasn’t aware of it.  And because I don’t have many lymph nodes left in my armpit, the infection was able to spread quickly.  Dr. Warner called it a fluke. So now I am to be extra careful with my arm, and be aware of any cuts.  That means giving my body a look over when I get out of the shower each day.  Also, I can only use a razor once.  I’m beginning to think I’ll only shave on “special occasions.”  😉  But I am not to be OCD about my health, since this was just one of those weird things that happened.

My blood pressure came up a bit when I was moved into ICU, but still not enough for the doctor there to be comfortable.  He wanted to put a PICC line in my neck, just in case they needed to administer more medications.  I can only have blood draws from the right side, and my right arm was beginning to look bruised, so I agreed.  The doctor explained the procedure like this:

I’ll put a drape over your face, and you’ll look left.  I’ll numb the area, which you may feel.  There will be a slight burning, followed by some pressure.

Sounds simple enough.  Here’s what actually happened:

He put a piece of plastic over my face.  I had oxygen to breathe, so I knew I wouldn’t suffocate, but being under plastic was an uncomfortable feeling. I felt the burning, and some pressure.  Then I felt him sticking something in my neck.  I may have cursed, and told him that hurt.  He gave me more numbing meds, which burned some more.   Then more poking.  HEY!  That hurts!  Apparently, it was the stitches he was putting in to secure the PICC line.  He said he could numb it more, but that would hurt just as much.  So I bore down, and took it.

But I made sure to tell him that it really hurt.  His reply:

Usually patients are intubated when I put the PICC line in…..

Hmmmmm…..okay….. cool….

I stayed in ICU Sunday and Monday feeling pretty lousy.  Fortunately, my blood pressure creeped back up, so I didn’t need the pressors.  Unfortunately, we were supposed to fly to El Paso on Wednesday evening, and it didn’t look like I would be released in time to fly.  When I brought this up to the doctors on Monday, they had a grim look that told me it wasn’t going to happen.  It was finally Dr. Warner who said no, not Wednesday, but maybe Friday.  That meant it was time for some scrambling…

Paul and I talked about who would fly out Wednesday.  I really wanted Paul and the kids to go without me, but Paul wasn’t comfortable with that.  After some pleading (I think the tubes coming out of my neck helped), Paul agreed to fly with the kids.  He and Aaron both still needed suits for the wedding, and the plan was to get them on Thursday in El Paso.  So Paul and the kids would go out on Wednesday, and I would follow on Friday.  I won’t mention how much the flight cost to change.  Ugh.

Tuesday morning I woke up really early with a bit of energy.  I decided I was going to get those report cards done!  So Paul brought my laptop, and I set up at the little table and got to work.  I was on a roll…

When I finished the report cards, I emailed Angie, our secretary, to ask her to print them and give them to Rachel.  Then Rachel put them into envelopes, along with the rest of the end-of-the-school-year work.  It was the definition of teamwork!  Thank God for my amazing team! 😀  Rachel was pretty much on stand-by every day waiting to hear if I’d return, or if I’d need her to continue to cover for me.

It was about this time that the doctor decided I should go back downstairs to the regular ward.  Hmmmmm…. could it have been because I was up working while the other ICU patients were unconscious and/or intubated?  Not sure…. 😉  In any case, they said they were going to “discharge” me.  I thought that was a nice way of saying they were kicking me out!

So back downstairs I went.  Vaca Valley is a small hospital, so usually you have to wait for a room to open.  The room I got this time was considered the Cadillac of rooms because it was super-spacious.  When my nurse, Lisa, showed me the room, I noticed a door in the corner.  I said, “Is that the exit?”  She replied, “Patio,” with a deadpan face.  I knew I was going to like her!

I’m also thinking that since I’m feeling so good, maybe I would be released to go home the next day (Wednesday).  But when yet another doctor came to see me, she said she would feel more comfortable if I stayed until Thursday.  My blood test came back clean, but she wanted me to receive IV antibiotics.  Sigh….okay….

That meant that I would miss the last four days of school, and wouldn’t have a chance to say goodbye to my kids.  Rachel was really good about sending me updates and pictures. And I was doing well, until they left a voicemail saying they loved and missed me.  Then I kind of lost it.  I was pretty mad at the whole situation, and I wasn’t afraid to let God know of my displeasure.  WHAT. THE. HECK?!?  Then I remembered the song that kept playing through my head:

You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me

Sometimes I feel bad that I’m so impatient.  But then I remember that God made me, and he knows my heart.  So if I have a little pity party because I missed the last few days of school, okay.  However, I was NOT missing my son’s wedding.  NOT.  MISSING.  IT.

So now it’s Wednesday morning, and I couldn’t wake up.  My breakfast sat untouched because I didn’t have the strength or desire to eat it.  I fell back asleep, and woke up around 10:00, still not feeling right.  I called for Lisa, my nurse, but she was on lunch break.  So another nurse came to talk to me.  I told her I didn’t feel right.  She took my vitals and saw that everything was okay.  I had a hard time explaining how I was feeling, which meant it could have been anxiety attacks.  Afterall, I was supposed to fly out that day, and I wasn’t.  Maybe I was afraid I was going to miss the wedding.  Or maybe it was something else.  I asked the nurse to go over the medications I was taking.  One of them was Benadryl.  Right, I had forgotten about that.  Antibiotics have a tendency to break out my eczema, so when I noticed bumps on my hands the day before, I asked for some Benadryl.  What I forgot to ask was how much and how often I was getting it.  The nurse reviewed my chart, and told me I had received 25mgs every six hours.  That meant I had had 100 mgs in the 24-hour period.  WHAT?!?  Well, that was the problem.  I usually take 10 mg at night before I go to bed.  I took 10 times what I normally take.  No wonder  I was feeling so out of it.  I asked Paul to bring me a latte from Starbucks, and I started drinking lots of water.  It took a few hours, but I finally started to feel better.

However, while I was feeling so bad, I also started to worry about traveling by myself on Friday.  So  I asked Paul if he felt comfortable sending the kids ahead, and staying back with me.  He said yes, that’s what he wanted to do all along.  Now, Mama Bear doesn’t like her cubs flying solo, but interestingly enough, they were fine with it.  After all, they are 17 and 19, and are meeting their 27-year-old brother.  It’s just Mama Bear that gets worried.  But everything turned out fine on that end.  The kids met up, and were fine.  And Paul was stuck with me.  Hee hee…

Wednesday turned into Thursday.  I was anxious to get out of the hospital, but the doctor wanted to fill me up with antibiotics before I left.  I think it was after 2:00 by the time I was finally discharged.  I was a bit anxious because I still had to pack for the trip.  And although I was feeling much better, I still didn’t have my full strength back yet.

But by Friday morning, I felt pretty good.  I had a terrible pain in my back that I attributed to the uncomfortable hospital bed, but that was it.  Paul and I made the flight, and arrived in El Paso around 2:30 on Friday.  The kids and my mom were waiting for us.

So I missed the last week of school, which sucked.  But I recovered okay, and didn’t miss the wedding.

By the way, the wedding was lovely.  My daughter-in-love looked so beautiful, and the day was full of fun and love.

And just when the wedding was winding down, there were fireworks.

Today at church someone asked me if I was worried that I would miss the wedding.  Maybe for a split second, but not really.  I was sad that I missed the last week of school, but I was pretty confident that I wasn’t going to miss the wedding.  That could be my stubbornness, but really I think it’s God’s hand. 🙂

I’m back to feeling grateful and blessed.  Grateful that so many people jumped in to help me.  Grateful that the doctors were three steps ahead, and got me well in time for Justin and Joanne’s wedding.  Blessed that that nurses at Vaca Valley were so attentive and caring. Even Dr. Vikstrom came to see me three times– and I’m not even his patient anymore!  And finally, I am blessed that I’m well again.  Just in time for summer. 🙂

Hello! And Goodbye…

Tomorrow marks 12 weeks since my last chemo treatment.  That’s the magical time when I get to see my oncologist again.  Since my continuance of care is still in effect, I got to see Dr. Vikstrom one last time. Yay!

Krista called me back, and asked how I was doing.  Next question, “Is your hair growing back?”

I told her, “Yes!  But it’s not the color I ordered!  I’m not sure who to talk to about that.”  Krista then did the usual checks– all good– and I’ve lost 4 pounds since my last treatment.

Dr. Vikstrom came in pretty quickly and started with questions too. “How’s it going? How are the kids?”

And the talking just continued.  He asked about my symptoms, and I told him about the remaining lingering aches and numbness.  Of course I ask how long I can expect these symptoms to continue.  But why do I ask because I already know the answer–

EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT!

I start laughing and tell Dr. V that my best friend said that answer is not acceptable.  He said, “Well, you know, tell her that you decided to change doctors.”  Ha ha ha ha!

Now this is our joke because after today I’ll have to switch back to Sutter and Dr. Rasila.  I asked Dr. V how I’m supposed to handle a doctor who’s all business and professional after having him? 😉  And we had a good laugh about that.

Dr. Vikstrom said it takes some time for my body to get back to how it was, and I may just get to the point where I live with symptoms.  He said that many people have symptoms and are still happy.  That’s when I told him that oh yes, I am pretty happy.

He said, “You seem like the kind of person that even if you had some pain, you’d still be happy.”

So I had to tell him the truth– that’s not always true!

I said, “You know what Dr. V?  I can handle the breast cancer and everything that’s come with it.  But you know what I can’t handle?  ONE-PLY TOILET PAPER!  I dislike it so much that I bring my own to work!”

He said, “What? Are you serious? Do you share?”

“Well, yeah, I have to share.  How weird would it be if I walked around with a roll of toilet paper?!?” And more giggles.

Dr. Vikstrom was pretty thorough with his questions, and a final exam.  We went over my treatment in paper form, and he explained when I’ll need exams in the future.  I asked him a few questions, and of course heard, “Everyone is different,” as an answer again.  I told him I was going to make a button with that saying on it for him.  Or maybe a tee-shirt!  Yes!

As a parting gift Dr. Vikstrom wrote a prescription for four bras and a prosthetic breast.  Apparently my insurance will pay for them.  Who knew? Yippeee! 😀

One last hug, and I said goodbye to Dr. Vikstrom.

As Michelle and I were out grabbing a bite to eat, I was laughing again, telling her about my visit with Dr. V.  Just then he called to follow up on something I had mentioned during our visit.  What a guy, huh?  I’ve been dismissed as his patient, but he wanted to make sure that he hadn’t missed anything.  That’s the kind of treatment I had during these difficult months.  I’m so grateful for the care I received.  I’m also happy that my body is getting back to normal.  As Dr. V said, it may be a new normal, but I can deal with it.

There are 10 days of school left!  I like to joke that– wheeeew!— this year just flew by!  I’m not quite ready to go on summer break, but my students are totally ready.  Trying to keep their attention the last couple weeks of school is very challenging.  So I’ll probably be ready for that break after the next ten days of wrangling with them. 😉

And after two months of rest, and hopefully a lot of exercise, I’ll be ready for a cancer-free, drama-free return to school!

Relay for Life

Every year for the past seven years, I’ve participated in Relay for Life for my sweet friend, Christine.  By now, it’s not even a question of whether or not I’ll be on the team, the question is, “What will our shirts look like?”

Relay for Life is a fundraiser for the American Cancer Society.  It’s 24 hours long, and most of it is happy and festive.  There are also somber moments that remind us how ugly cancer is.  So back in October, after I had my surgery and had started chemo, I wondered if I would be up for Relay.  I was really thinking no.  I didn’t see how I could spend 24 hours reliving my six months of hell.  My problem was how I was going to tell Christine that I just couldn’t participate this year.

But my attitude suddenly changed in Febuary, surprisingly around the same time that I was told my treatment was coming to an end.  Instead of thinking of Relay as a reminder of my hell, I thought of it as a celebration.  I wanted to celebrate the fact that I made it through the worst time of my life, stronger, and in some ways, better.

One day Christine texted me to say that she wanted to change the name of her team to “Team Soul Sisters” to include me as well.  My heart was full with that news!

Soul Sisters is our little joke that came about when Christine was in the hospital.  She was diagnosed with Guillain Barre Syndrome in July of 2015.  She was paralyzed, and couldn’t speak, and we were all helpless to help her.  I stayed by her side as often as I could, and because of this, the nurses would ask who I was.  “Dawn” didn’t cut it for them.  So I said, “She’s my soulmate.”

Now this declaration seemed to satisfy a few nurses, who just smiled and nodded when I’d say, “soulmate.”  That was until one smart nurse asked, “Do you have any children together?”  Ummmmm….

And that’s how Soul Sister was born. 🙂

Relay for Life is being held on June 24th.  Our tent will be full of balloons, food, friends, and laughter.  I’m looking forward to this celebration!

Speaking of celebrations, yesterday I received a call from Maggie, the social worker at Northbay.  Apparently there’s a Survivor Celebration in June, and she asked if I could speak.  WHAT?  ME?  The one who used the most colorful of word enhancers during my entire treatment?  I called her tonight and left a message.  My gut reaction is to say no, but it’s not a definite no.  I want to help others, but I’m not sure I can really inspire others with my “Cancer SUCKS ASS!” speech.  So, we’ll see…

My energy level has improved over the past couple of weeks.  I’m napping less and less, getting more done, and feeling more like myself.  On Monday, after school, I thought it would be fun to try to hike to the Tower.  I told Kimi that I wanted to attempt it, knowing that she’d be cool if I only made it part of the way.  And honestly, I wasn’t sure how far I could go.

After school I picked Kimi up, and drove to Pena Adobe.  I stretched a bit, and we headed up.  Immediately, my calves began to burn.  I thought– this isn’t good!  I’ve just started.  But about a quarter of the way up, my calves started feeling better, and I found my rhythm.  It helped that Kimi and I talked most of the way up, and she tends to point out things (and people) around us, which keeps my mind off of my pain.  Kimi said we should at least make it to the halfway point.  Yes!  I was totally onboard with that.  We got to the halfway point, and kept on going.

Just before the top of the hill, there’s a very steep section.  And that’s where I decided to call it quits.  My body was doing okay, but my brain remembered how hard that last part was.  But I was pretty happy with how far I was able to go.  I really wasn’t expecting that.  Sometimes I get frustrated with myself, and other times I think I’m amazing! LOL

Natasha called on Wednesday to remind me that I have an appointment with Dr. V next week, and to ask a couple of questions.  When she asked how I was doing, it was the like the dam broke.

“Great!  My hair is growing back!  I’m going to have my hairdresser color it next week so I can go hatless!  Oh, and I walked ALMOST to the tower on Monday!  Work is GREAT! I love my students!”

Natasha hardly got a word in.  Now I know what my students feel like when they’re so excited to tell me something. 😀

So, yeah, life is coming right along. And we’ve got some celebrating to do. 🙂

The Struggle is Real

**Warning: This post gets a bit personal and embarrassing. Not for me, but maybe for you. You’ve been warned…

Life is good.  It really is.  There are times I get frustrated with myself, but I keep in mind that everything is temporary.  But then I remember that some things aren’t.  Some things are permanent.  For example, the boob, or lack thereof.

Now technically, I guess you could argue that that too is temporary.  I do have the option of having reconstructive surgery and implants.  But as I’ve decided not to go that route, the boob loss is permanent for me.

This creates some challenges.  Apart from our nose and mouth, our body parts come in twos.  Okay, don’t get technical and recite other body parts, you know what I mean.  Our bodies are pretty symmetrical.  Still arguing with me?  Look, it’s my pity party– here’s your party horn.

I’ve been struggling to find the perfect bra.  Many women would probably say, “Me too!”  However, having one breast does present some challenges.  Think about what holds the bra in place.  Breasts!  Right.  Now imagine that there is just one of these “anchors.”  The other half of the bra has nothing to hold on to.  That means a constant adjustment on my part.  I feel like I pull the left side of my bra down all day.  The foob (false boob) is attached to the bra, not to me.  So it does nothing to help the bra stay in place.

The foob presents another challenge.  I have one foam insert and two knitted knockers.  Acquiring the correct foam insert took some time–  I actually returned the first one because it was too big.  So now I have what I think are good inserts….usually.  I can adjust the foob so it looks right, but it still doesn’t feel right.  And that seems to be my problem lately: am I more concerned with how it looks or how it feels?

Look good, feel good– right?  Sometimes.  Other times, we’re supposed to go with our feelings.  So sometimes my foob feels off.  I look in the mirror and try to adjust how it looks, but it still feels off.  And then I can’t tell if it looks off, or just feels off.  The feeling in my chest has slowly returned, but my chest still feels strange.  I think the strange feeling in my chest has something to do with my bra issues.  So maybe that will be temporary too.  Maybe the feeling will come back even more, and I will get used to how the foob feels against my body.  Maybe.

Or maybe this numbness is permanent.  Dr. Marengo did warn me that it could be.  One day I actually felt an itch, only to scratch and feel nothing.  My left arm is also a bit numb at the top.  So it’s always odd when something brushes against my arm because it takes my brain a minute to register.

In retrospect, it probably would have been easier if Dr. Marengo had removed both breasts.  Then my bra would creep up on both sides! LOL.  However, at the time I remember the urgency in removing the tumors and starting chemo as quickly as possible.  The other breast would have increased the chance of infection and length of healing.  It just wasn’t necessary.  But you know what they say about hindsight.

My other struggle is my hair.  It’s growing– which is great!  However, it looks like I could be sporting the Einstein look, which is not cool.  It’s wiry, grey, and black in some spots.  Oh, and I have an awesome bald spot right in front.

As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, the wigs get hot and uncomfortable.  I’ve resorted to my headscarf with a stylish headband most days.  The headscarf is comfortable, but just like my bra, it needs to be adjusted.  It seems to scooch up throughout the day.  And since my ugly, grey, wiry, Einstein-like hair is growing, it becomes visible at my ears and around the bottom of my head.  UGH.

I know, I know, it’s temporary.  But it makes me self-conscious.  I want my beautiful golden locks back.  And yes, I know I can color my hair, and I will.  I just need a bit more to color!

And my final struggle is my weight, which I’ve mentioned before.  Also temporary, I know.  However, right now I need a dress to wear to J & J’s wedding in June.  Do you know how hard it is to dress a troll?  Pretty darn hard!  And no matter how pretty the dress is, I still look like a troll in a tutu.  Shrek.  Imagine Shrek in a tutu.  Yep, you got it.

On Monday, Michelle and I drove out to Sacramento to find dresses for the wedding.  Being her size 4 self, just about everything looks beautiful on her.  So finding the right dress for her wasn’t hard.  I was a different story.  I tried on two and gave up.  I just couldn’t even stand to look at myself.  Hey, I have an idea!  Let’s go grab some lunch. 😉

After feeling sorry for myself, and skipping dessert, I decided I’d wear some pretty palazzo pants that I already have, along with a sparkly top.  I could find a sparkly top!  And maybe a cover to wear over.  Or maybe a mumu.  YES! A big, giant mumu.

So on Thursday, I gathered up my courage, and took myself to the Solano Mall in search of a sparkly top.  I decided it was best that I go by myself.  It’s easier to hide the tears and cursing when no one is around.

First stop– Macy’s.  I found a couple of tops there and went to the dressing room to try them on.  No luck.  I felt like Pooh Bear in his little red shirt.  Damn.  Maybe this cute sparkly top was going to be a little harder to find than I thought.  I was wandering through the racks at Macy’s when a woman caught my eye.

“Hello!” she exclaimed, very enthusiastically.

“Hi!” I returned.  Now I’m trying to remember how I know her…

Then she says, “Are you going through chemo?”  Oh right, the headscarf.  I almost forgot about that!  Good thing I didn’t say, “How did you know?”  LOL

So I told her that I finished treatment seven weeks ago (that day, in fact!).

“God is good!”  she said.

“Yes, yes he is,” I told her.

And then she told me her story.  She’s had cancer twice, and went through chemo both times.  She was talking pretty fast, but I think she said it’s been eleven years since she’s had cancer.  I told her that was great.  Happiness seems to follow people who have beaten cancer.  Or maybe that was just us– we were both smiling a mile wide.

She said, “You look healthy.  You look blessed.”

“Yes, thank you,” I told her, “I’m definitely blessed.”

“That’s good.  God is good!  Be blessed.”  And with that, we walked away.

Hearing her words lifted me up.  I’m so grateful for friends, but even strangers have the power to lift me up.  It’s wonderful.

So when I went to Penney’s, it was with the idea that I wouldn’t be sad if I couldn’t find something.  I tried on one dress that was okay, and I thought I’d buy it just in case.  A cute, young sales girl asked if she could help me with anything.  I said, “Could you help me lose 50 pounds, like right now?”  She laughed and said, “You’re so cute.”  Oh, thanks, because I feel like a troll.  At least I’m a cute troll.

But I did try on another dress that I liked better.  Not beautiful, but it will make me feel comfortable.

And feeling comfortable is what I’m shooting for these days. 🙂

Time Flies When You’re Having Fun

That’s what they say anyway.  On the last day of my treatment, one of the nurses mentioned how quickly my treatment had gone.  Uhhhh, not for me.

Tomorrow marks seven weeks since my last chemo treatment.  And the past seven weeks have gone by quickly.  I think it has a lot to do with working and staying busy.  And every Thursday I count the weeks and smile that I’m not at chemo. 🙂

Spring break started on Friday.  I decided to kick off my vacation by having my port removed.  Since Blue Shield wouldn’t pay for NorthBay to remove the port, Dr. Modadgigi from Sutter was assigned to remove it.  When I heard that he would remove the port, I knew I was in great hands.  Dr. Modadgigi was the surgeon who removed Michelle’s appendix almost five years ago.  He had a great bedside manner, and made us all feel comfortable.  So I knew I’d be okay.

Kimi offered to go with me to my appointment.  I thought it was fitting that she be there since she’s been with me from the beginning, and through so many of my appointments.

There was a roomful of people to watch this spectacular event: Kimi, a nurse, two students, and Dr. Modadgigi.  When I saw Dr. Modadgigi, I reminded him that he removed Michelle’s appendix.  He asked how she was doing.  This was my opportunity to brag about my girl, so I told him all about her dancing gigs, including the latest.  Chapkis Dance will perform on the television show World of Dance, starting May 30th, on NBC.  (Excuse the shameless plug.)

Then he explained the procedure to me, and I asked why Dr. Chambers wanted to put me out, but he wanted me awake.  It sounded like it was simply personal preference.  He did ask if I wanted to keep the port, but I declined.  I really didn’t need the reminder.  Dr. Modadgigi started by numbing the port area.  It stung quite a bit, but I reminded myself that I’ve had three babies, five tattoos, a mastectomy, and 14 rounds of chemo.  This would be nothing compared to all that.  I didn’t feel any pain, but did feel some tugging. That was the port being removed from my body.  I was lost thinking about how glad I was to have the port out, when one of the students asked what I was doing over the weekend.  It didn’t register at first, so she touched me and repeated the question.  Thinking is so hard lately; it really requires a lot of brainpower!  So I mumbled something about a basketball tournament in Berkeley the next day, and the student continued the small talk.  Then of course I was wondering why she was making small talk.  Was she trying to get my mind off the procedure?  I was fine, really.

Dr. Modadgigi held up the port for me to see.  It was purple!  I wasn’t expecting it to be purple, so I agreed to take it with me.  Then Kimi joked that I could make a necklace out of it; or perhaps a bracelet. LOL

As Dr. Modadgigi started to stitch me up, I felt my heart racing a bit.  The shaking started after he left.  My body started trembling just a bit, then more.  Kimi asked if I was okay.  Yes, I felt fine.  My body was just not happy.  My body trembled just like that after the first biopsy too.  I think it’s just its way of complaining about the invasion.

The nurse brought me some water, and told me to take my time.  Kimi asked if I wanted to hang out for a bit.  Nope.  I wanted to get dressed and go to lunch.  My body would get the hint if I just continued.  So that’s what I did.  My body continued to shake a bit, but eventually calmed down.  Sometimes it’s like that: mind over body.  Other times, my body’s in charge.

I’m getting better every day, but still not fast enough for me.  When I finished treatment, I told myself I wanted to start getting back into shape during spring break.  What I didn’t anticipate was that I’d still be tired and achy.  I still nap more often than not.  Some days my body is really achy by the end of the day.  I’ve figured out that Aleve helps with that though, so it’s been my go-to lately.  But it is frustrating to be overweight, and not have the energy to work out.  Patience, I know, patience.

Kimi and I did get to the gym twice last week.  We walked the track 2.5 miles on Wednesday, and two miles on Thursday.  It’s something, I know, just not enough for my mind.  My mind wants to lose 50 pounds– NOW!  My body says, “Let’s take a nap.”

My hair is growing back slowly too.  It’s not pretty, but it’s hair.  My eyebrows are coming in as well, thanks to this magical serum my friend, Casey, gave me.  My taste buds are coming back too.  I can’t tell if they’re totally back to normal, but food does taste better than it used to.

So my body is working its way back to normal, it will just take longer than my mind wants it to.  Well, I guess there’s always summer vacation to work on the body! 😀